2005-01-08
drowning
Diary,
I am slipping. I can literally feel my feet coming out from underneath me. I can see the edge of the cliff I am about to fall from. I can feel myself spiraling downward.
As long as I have taken care of myself and my ex-husband, I seem to have shut down. I have completely forgotten about all of the important things I needed to do, to actually be an independent woman. I was laying there, trying to fall asleep and it hit me. I am behind on my bills. I don't have direct deposit anymore and I haven't put the last 2 checks in the bank. I have them, I just forgot. How do you forget to do something like that? My car payment is do tomorrow, and I have numerous bills sitting on my dresser at home. I have the money and did not put it in the bank!! How could I do this?
I had 30 days from the time I established residence to register my car and obtain a GA driver's license. I forgot!!! Now, all I can think about is getting home and getting this done. Then I think about my job and that I work 8 to 5 and how it doesn't allow me to do these things. Then I think about how it will affect my credit when I am late. I have tried so hard to keep my spending to a minimum. I have done well with this, only to forget the main thing, making sure I keep up with the bills.
I feel as if I am about to have a nervous breakdown and all I want is to cry. Me, always having been in charge of finances, has completely screwed up. I still have a bill that I haven't done a change of address. I wondered why I haden't received a bill yet. Seriously, I think I have lost my mind. Sometimes, I think, "I can't do this on my own." But I have always, done it on my own. Why am I failing now?
I don't know what to do first. This is how it starts. I get so overwhelmed about what to do, that I put it off. Then I forget. I think maybe I am slipping into depression. The only time I am happy is when I can talk to or see Shaithis or when I am at family gatherings. I think this is my "out" for doing things that I need to do.
I am drowning and my head is just about to go under. I pray that someone will throw me a lifesaver or at least tell me how to find one. I haven't asked my parents for anything and I am not about to start now. I just wish I knew how to get on top of things again.
love until later,
d
lolamae at 11:43 p.m.