2004-12-16
crazed lunatic
Why, why, why, do I constantly open my mouth only to screw things up? Why????? Why am I so unhappy when this was MY decision, in an attempt to gain happiness?
I get up, go to work, drive in rush hour traffic, come home, spend hours on the computer or phone, only to find out the next day that I got nothing accomplished. I still have laundry from 3 weeks ago that needs to be done. All I do is hurt people's feelings(not meaning to)and confuse them, when really I am the one confused. I have no idea what I want right now. I am so used to just being told what I what to do and how to live. This is so hard. The only thing I am positive about is that I want to be a mother and wife to someone who genuinely cares about me. That is all I want. Why does this have to be so hard? Why?
I just don't understand. Am I depressed? Am I crazy? I know to other people I seem to be a crazed lunatic these days! If I knew someone like myself I would agree! What is wrong with me? I am so fucked up in the head right now, that it scares me.
It is Christmas! A time to be happy and spend time with loved ones and celebrate the birth of Christ. And here I am battling my own inner demons. How selfish does this make me? I don't deserve some of the people in my life right now. They are far more caring people than I. I apologize to all for being a selfish bitch!
d
lolamae at 9:56 p.m.